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Friday, April 27, 2012



by Georgevine Moss

It was a hot summer day in April when the revolution erupted. Nature had gone mad. Confused flowers started blossoming before their time and the humans plunged in their closets unashamedly looking for pieces they could wear from last year's summer collection.

Everyone would have understood if the humans had stood up and yelled: enough is enough. But the robots? They weren't affected by climate. Why did they rise from their high-tech hideouts? We are not sure whether they can actually think for themselves at this early stage of the revolution, but something's definitely going on in their little chip brains.

Conspiracy theorists keep barking about a consortium of ex world leaders sitting in some bunker underground, fumbling with remote controls. If this is true, then there's no hope. Give me a thinking robot any day and I will fight to try to beat it. But a robot with an aging politician behind its artificial brain? I don't know....

How did it all begin? I know I'm the Historian and I'm supposed to tell you, but I can't. No one saw it coming and now everyone's too busy fighting to look for answers. I guess it was the economy. Stupid, I know, but no one actually expected a recovery, let alone an economic boom of gigantic proportions.

History has taught us a lot, but humans never seem to be prepared for anything. Unless of course you are a member of Generation S, in which case you never even got the chance to learn from history and you are forgiven for your ignorance. You were only given access to amended history books, so as not to upset you with offensive words or expose you to dangerous ideas that could drag the world centuries back to a dark future. Well, here we are anyway. Welcome. I have no advice to give you, but in case you don't know what the S stands for, I can tell you that at least. It stands for Screwed.

The blooming economy created a massive wave of advancement in robotics, but it doesn't explain why the robots decided to go to war against the humans. Sure they were human property, but if they can't think that couldn't have been the problem.

Everything was going great, but I guess it was inevitable. When two completely different species have to co-exist for so long something eventually will have to happen. No, no, the aliens never came to earth. Either they don't exist or they are really smart. I am not talking about the robots either. No, I'm talking about Men and Women. The blossoming economy may have brought the robots to a point where they could actually rebel, created the fuel if you will, but the spark that started the fire was sex, a big social issue ever since the sex robots went into mass production.

It's hard to provide a historian's objective view on this hotly debated subject. We are at a war with our smart, water-resistant mechanical properties and yet we sit around arguing if it was Men's fault this happened or if both genders must share the blame. Admittedly, the evidence is against the Men.

The creators of the sex robots were all Men. It seemed logical that the first few robots they'd make would be female. Especially after the scientists created life in the labs and the government decided it would be a good idea to have various official policies on the matter. After the scientists' baby-making services became available to the public those who decided to have sex for procreation instead of recreation were owed a visit by the mental health special unit of the health department for a free complimentary evaluation. It just didn't make sense, you know?

No one batted an eyelash when those sex robots were put to work. The robots kept coming but they were still all of them female. Things got extremely frustrating for some as you can imagine. There was an uprising. The Women far outnumbered the Men, but not all of them felt the frustration and joined the movement. Still, those who did, fought fiercely. No Man could walk safely in the streets alone.

The robots became judgmental and demanding after that. They either got fed up with human behavior and made themselves able to think or humans built programs that did that for them. Researchers are currently working on figuring that one out.

As it turned out, building only female sex robots wasn't the only mistake the humans made. When they didn't use the female body as an inspiration to create the robots, they used insects instead. So when we aren't fighting freaky versions of ourselves, we are left off fighting big, repulsing and now, pardon the made up word, un-squash-able versions of bugs that have been tormenting the humans since day one.

I don't need to go into detail here. I don't know how much time I have left. But please allow me to talk about one of those in case one of you dear readers can perhaps manage to give me an answer to the question, why? Why would anyone want to make a robot cockroach?

Not being able to exterminate for good the real thing wasn't enough? They needed a big, death-proof version of it roaming our streets? Sure you scoff, looking at that machine trying to move like a cockroach, but have you seen the new, improved versions? They gave them a body made out of real tissue. They worked hard for years so that you couldn't tell the robot from the insect. Why, dear reader, why would anyone do this? I ask you, but I actually stopped caring when they authorized the cockroach robots to go into mass production some five years ago. And that was before I found out that they had made them so that they could reproduce.

End of Report #1.

About the Historian

When he was six years old, the Historian moved into foster care after his mother--a human-- was incarcerated into a mental health facility, probably because she wanted to try for another child the old fashioned way. She never, ever warned the Historian about the Robot Revolution.

With the economy toiling in the bottom of a shitter and the humans fighting to alter or even erase history altogether, the Historian never learned anything except how to use a computer. He could somehow think, a common human genetic flaw, but was never quite sure what he was supposed to do, until the Robot Revolution happened and he found real purpose in his life. His mission is to report the historic events as they unroll before his very eyes.

Note from the Historian

Many who bump into me in the street ask me, why in April? Why did the Robots strike in April? Silly question, right? It was just time, I tell them. There was no special reason. But my research may prove me wrong one day. So far, all I can say is that in April 2012 a bunch of people decided to write about various robotic advancements (as seen on The List below). Was it just a coincidence?

The List

PETMAN Robot Climbs Stairs In New VIDEO From DARPA, Boston Dynamics

Sex machines: How robotic prostitutes could turn a crime-ridden industry into a respectable 'guilt free' business, By DANIEL BATES

Would you want to be saved by THIS? Video of the U.S. Navy's terrifying 'robot fireman', By ROB WAUGH

Mechanical monkey business: Meet the robo-bonobos that help our hairy cousins talk to us, By TED THORNHILL

NEED A ROBOT? PRINT ONE, Analysis by Jesse Emspak

A Researcher and a Robot Walk Into a Bar..., By RACHEL WOLFF